?

Log in

You Are About To Enter the Modern Day Era.
This is just my thoughts, and sometimes it's just ramblings. I have a habit of complaining sometimes, but this is the place for it.
Enter the Portal
* THIS IS WHERE I'M HIDING * IT'S ONLY IN METROPOLIS * FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY * IT'S MORE THAN JUST SOUND * HE'S MORE THAN JUST BEATS * LEAVE HER ALONE * LET THEM DO THEIR OWN THING * CIRCLE OVERLAND * BACK IN THE GRAVE * THE BANDS WHO WEAR BLACK * THE HOLY BIBLE * ELECTRIC YOUTH * IT'S IN ORDER * SHE'S IN PARTIES * ADHD? TRY 4AD * PEARLY DEW DROPS * THESE TIMES ARE SOUR * BLUE LINES * MY ALBUMS * WHO IS THIS? * NOT A THIEF *
Time of the Year
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
232425262728
Feb. 25th, 2014 @ 10:34 pm Here I am...
Current Location: United States, Maryland, Chestertown
My Mood Is This: awakeawake
I have been writing a journal on vampirefreaks as sometimesalways. I have been thinking about writing in this journal again for awhile now. It's a much brighter place on here than vampirefreaks. I want to be more positive about things, and things haven't been going good for me. Just had a recent medicine change today. I am now on lithium twice a day, and I was taken off of the tegretol that I have been on for a long time. Anyway, I'm going out for a cigarette and then I don't know what I'll do afterwards. Maybe just go to sleep, but I just don't think I'm ready for bed just yet.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
sinful life
Jan. 25th, 2013 @ 11:00 pm I want her back.
Current Location: United States, Maryland, Chestertown
My Mood Is This: annoyedannoyed
I want my old girlfriend back. Why? I want her back, because I thought she was amazing. She made me happy. Yes, things got dramatic. I don't know how else to put it. Do I think things will be as they were before? No. Things happen for a reason. I didn't want things to end the way that they did, but they did. Who says that loving someone has to end. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know why I'm writing here again. I need to write somewhere. I can't post all of my personal life on facebook, and not too many people read this. It just sucks that things have to be where they are now. I am not where I want to be at life. Dead end job of four years, no health insurance. I'm lucky I can still get help through Kent County behavioral health, and see not only my therapist but also my psychiatrist who gives me medicine samples. The other medicine I'm on I have to get at walmart. I want things to be how they were before I moved out of my parents house. That was the only good thing about living with my parents is that I didn't have any bills. I miss going to d.c., I miss going to Virginia. I miss going to clubs with Yvonne. Since 2007 or 2006 I haven't been to d.c. or Virginia. I can't remember the last time. I can't remember the last time I really let myself go. That's why I want her back in my life. I had the happiest times in my life with her. Now it's gone, and I can't let that go. Valentine's day is coming up next month. I don't want to be single. I don't want to be single for that day, or for any other day. Life is not worth living when there is someone out there who can make life worth livable. I was full of life with her. Then everything collapsed, and faded away but she will never fade from my heart as I did her's. :( Maybe I'll get in the habit of writing in this thing again. With so much lost there is only left to gain. I don't know how else to put it. I'm not here to please any one but myself, and those that don't like me don't have to because I accept myself. I just can't accept that she let go of me, and I don't think that I ever will. Miss you, Starrkill.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
sinful life
Feb. 12th, 2011 @ 06:51 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: okayokay
Present Jams: "Need You Tonight" - INXS
In my room listening to INXS. Got the cd for five dollars at Walmart. I had to also buy new work shoes, and pants, too. Sucks that my work won't provide them for me anymore. They provide the pants, but I don't like them and they used to provide the shoes. Things haven't going great for me, but hopefully after this week things will turn around. I'm not doing the things I should be doing like looking for a new job. I need a job with good benefits. I don't need to have medical assistance, and have them have me renew it after three months at a time. They cut me off, and I have a prescription that needs to be filled. It sucks. Still need to do work on my car, and I'm going to take care of that this week. Hopefully it won't be expensive, because I won't be able to afford it. Has an anti freeze leak. Also needs an oil change, and a new cooling fan which I know I can't afford. So lonely by myself. Can't wait to go out when I can.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 30th, 2011 @ 12:55 am It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: awakeawake
Here I am awake. I think I fell asleep around seven thirty. Didn't know I was that tired. Not much is going on, though. Worked a full day of work yesterday, and I work ten to six today, much later today. I'm nervous to see how much my pay check will be this week. I shouldn't have been leaving work early. Oh well. It's my fault really. I'm going out for a smoke. Not much going on here.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 28th, 2011 @ 07:51 pm It's Just Words
Was scheduled to work only three days next week.  Was asked to work on Sunday, and that's a good thing.  Instead of having four days off I just have three days off.  Last night was terrible.  Had periods where I felt like throwing up.  Maybe I shouldn't had taken that extra visteril.  I no longer want to leave work early again, but it is so tempting to leave early when asked if I want to.  Going to drop off my laundry at my parents house tomorrow, and I am going to pick it up Monday.  Not much is going on, except I don't feel happy.  I spent almost a whole day from my ex today only to go over for a few minutes.  Proud of myself for doing that.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 25th, 2011 @ 10:54 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: frustratedfrustrated
I seriously need to get out more. Work needs to stop cutting my hours, and I let them do it. I need to stop doing that. It's getting too the point that it's frustrating me and stressing me out. I'm depressed as it is I don't need to be stressing myself out. It's bad enough that I broke up with my girlfriend. Things do not need to be like this. I have a life and I need to live it. being stuck in my place all the time or with my ex isn't good. I need to get things on the road, and start to learn how to be myself all over again. I need to be me. I don't need to drown in my own life.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
delirium
Jan. 25th, 2011 @ 04:34 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: blahblah
Going to Middletown, DE tomorrow with my mom. She wants to take me to Ruby Tuesday's, and get some things done. If they aren't too expensive she is going to get me a new pair of work shoes. She called and said she wanted to go today, but I was asleep and didn't get her call. She really should have called me yesterday... It was either that or I shouldn't have been asleep but I was tired. Anyway, I don't have too much to say now. I guess this is enough for now.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 24th, 2011 @ 06:05 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: tiredtired
My ex got out of the hospital.  She already came over to my place, but she didn't get out of her car.  I told her to go over to see her daughter.  I don't know if I'll be going over there tonight.  I really don't want to.  I'm tired, so I think I'll just stay home.  I went over some things with my r.s. today.  I'll write more later if I feel like it.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 23rd, 2011 @ 07:44 pm It's Just Words
Present Jams: "Washing Machine" - Sonic Youth
I really want to wash my clothes, but this song will have to do:

[Kim]
Yeah, I take my baby down to the street and I buy him a soda-pop
He's so sweet

Alright now, alright now, alright now
You said that

If you want I'll be the one
Take you out and have some fun
I never never ever ever tell no one
Till the end, till the morning comes

Yeah, I take my baby down to the corner and
I buy him a soda-pop
Hmm hmm

Alright now, alright now, alright now

If you want I'll be the one
Take you out and have some fun
Flip a quarter for the toss
I'd like mine with apple-sauce

Yeah, I take my baby down to the corner and
I buy him a soda-pop
`cause he's so neat, sweet

Alright now, alright now, alright now
Okay now

If you want I'll be the one
Shake my legs and have some fun
My hearts spinnin' round like a washing machine
Never saw the devil look so damn clean

Yeah, I take my baby down to the corner and
I buy him a soda-pop
And he said: "honey, you look so fine"
And I said: okay, alright, okay, alright

I was walking up Lafayette street
It's real empty
And I looked out and it turned into a big field
And I looked up in the sky
And I looked up in the clouds
And I saw this face looking down at me
And it's a women's face
And she threw a quarter down at me and she said:
"honey, here's a quarter go put it in the washing machine"
And then I looked up at her,
I looked up
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 23rd, 2011 @ 12:30 pm It's Just Words
I see that it's time to go. Time to go to a new place in a new direction. Time to swim around in new thoughts, and to run into new beginnings. No there will be no more false hope. Dizzy, Dizzy, Dizziness. Going so fast, and spinning in the future can barely touch ground. Where did my loved on go? I see glimpses of her, but it's all a blur. "She's lost control" by Joy Division beats in my head.

Confusion in her eyes that says it all.
She's lost control.
And she's clinging to the nearest passer by,
She's lost control.
And she gave away the secrets of her past,
And said I've lost control again,
And a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I've lost control again.

This time I'm the one losing control. Am single again, but where is she. I know I don't want her back but just to see her again. Maybe I would stop spinning. Starrkill. Hope you are all right. It's time to go in a new direction. I have to swim around, because I always almost drown in my pain and I get dizzy because I have to find air. I want to reach out for the stars, I say. Reach down, and give me your hand. Give me a little bit of hope.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 23rd, 2011 @ 12:17 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Here I am home from work early. They keep wanting to cut back hours. Next month hours will pick back up again. That's what I heard anyway. I wish I could do laundry. I don't want to go to a laundry mat, or whatever it's called. I shouldn't have to. The roommate that is supposed to be getting the washer and dryer is not home. Where could he be? Probably doing something foolish. It's a nice day to stay in but having two full baskets of laundry in here is not comforting.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 21st, 2011 @ 08:51 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: contemplativecontemplative
So glad to be home in my warm room. Would like to have someone to talk to, though. I wish I had money to buy something good to eat, but will just have to settle for a t.v. dinner. Well, I'm going to eat something, and then possibly go over to check on my ex's cats. Not that I really want to, but it needs to be done I suppose. I gave them plenty of food and a fresh bowl of water yesterday. Ugh. I hope I'm getting paid to do this job. I do love cats, and one of her cats runs to me whenever I get there. Just loves to sit on my lap. I like that. A nice lap cat that's black and white. I love cats. Wish I had one of my own.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 21st, 2011 @ 02:59 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: productiveproductive
Went into work at one like I thought I was scheduled. They told me I wasn't scheduled till two, and to come back at four so here I am. I would love to have a full time job. I have hungry people yelling at me through the speaker in the drive through day to day. I have been there for two years, and still make only minimum wage. Not the best job, but it's a job. It pays the bills, and yes I could make more money. There are people out there without a job. At least I have one.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 21st, 2011 @ 12:17 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: goodgood
Well my rehab specialist came and left. First time she's been to my place, but I haven't had her for awhile. I used to have a guy named Marco as my specialist. She's really good at what she does, and she's adorable. Light brown hair, and light blue eyes. I'm so shy around her, but hopefully I can break out of it. She said that I don't like being around a lot of people, and I really don't. We had a good talk about other things, too. I feel a lot better about some things. She says that if I don't want to go to my ex's house then don't go. I am having a break from my ex. Haven't talked to her since yesterday. When she comes back home I want things to change. So far she hasn't called me from the hospital, and I honestly don't want her to call me from there. She is there for her. She needs the help, and she shouldn't be there for anyone but herself.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
good
Jan. 21st, 2011 @ 11:09 am It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: busybusy
Present Jams: "Confusion"-New Order
Just woke up, and this is the latest I got up in awhile. It's 11 a.m., and I don't have that much to do anyway. Can't believe this month is almost over. We haven't really had a big snow storm, yet, like last year. It was supposed to snow an inch last night, and it didn't even do that. I have to be at work at one p.m. today, and then I have to turn back around to go in at seven a.m. tomorrow. I have crazy work hours. At least I took the time to stay up late last night. I'm wondering if my rehab specialist will show up to my place around noon. I really don't want to go to crossroads at twelve, because I can only talk to her for a half hour because she has things to do at 12:30. Don't want to go into work too early. Well, I think I'll straighten my room up, listen to New Order, and get something to eat. New Order is playing now on my computer. If Ian Curtis never died (killed himself) would there be a New Order? That is my thought for the day.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 20th, 2011 @ 11:02 pm It's Just Words
I have no idea why I get so anxious at work. Six hours into the shift I am dying to go home, so maybe I should work only six hour days? I think I may say something to my manager, but I should say something to my job coach first. My drawer was ten dollars short when I left. Damn it. I should know if it was lost or found tomorrow when I go back into work. Money is only good when it's in my wallet.

My ex is now in a mental hospital. I thought that it was my fault as to why she's in there, but I'm not worried about it now. I just hope that she gets the help that she needs.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 20th, 2011 @ 10:00 am It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: awakeawake
I don't like the ads on here.  I have to wait for an ad to end to post?  That really is annoying.  Maybe I will get a paid account again.  It's definately not the same on here anymore.  A lot of my friends that I had before don't post anymore.  It is cold outside, and we're going to get one to three inches tonight.  I am glad to be getting a break from my ex.  I mean she is still going to call me, but it won't be as much.  I don't want to go back out with her again.  She keeps asking if I am.  I think I posted about this before, but I don't remember.  I'm still tired.  Don't really feel like going to work today, but I need the money and was off for three days in a row to begin with.  It went all so fast.  I watched American Idol last night.  It was pretty good.  It's coming on tonight at 8, but I'm going to miss half of it since I get off work at the same time.  Well, I'm going to eat something and take a shower. 
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 19th, 2011 @ 08:58 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: sleepysleepy
Watching American Idol while my ex is in the hospital. Her doctor said she had a nervous breakdown. She will be sent to a mental hospital tomorrow, and I hope she gets the right treatment. She says I'm her best friend now. She gets to be a bit too needy at times. I don't think that I would say she is my best friend, because I'm not comfortable talking to her about my problems because she always thinks that she has something to do with how I am feeling and stiff like that. I had a therapy appointment today, and we talked about her. I have a therapist appointment next week, and I haven't had one back to back like that in a long while. Things have been pretty draining for me lately. I hope things will come around, and I really hope I have enough money to get my car fixed after I get my taxes done. It almost overheated in the Arby's drive through. If I ran into a lot of red lights I'd be afraid of it overheating, and don't know how it would be going on a two hour drive. I want to go to Spellbound with my friend, Yvonne, because she is always fun to be around. Maybe we can hangout outside of the club, too. Well, I am tired. I want to try to write in this thing everyday, but sometimes I'm going to forget but since I have firefox I can leave the tab up so it's already there and I can just go ahead and post. Well, my eyes are starting to get watery. I hate that. When I get tired my eyes water. I guess it has something to do with the light. I'll type here again soon.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 18th, 2011 @ 09:45 pm It's Just Words
I just want to be single!  I don't want my ex to keep asking me to come over to her house.  She's put me through a lot to cause the break up to begin with, but it won't end!  Yes, I do want to be friends with her but does it have to be like this?  I have no idea. 
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 12th, 2011 @ 02:03 pm Psych appt
My Mood Is This: busybusy
Present Jams: the t.v.
Getting ready to leave for my psychiatric appointment. The snow is really blowing outside. I wish that it wasn't windy. Well, this is probably a worthless update. I'll update again later.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close
Jan. 6th, 2009 @ 12:01 pm short story part one: The Shadow.
I see a man in the distance. He has a cold, dark presense. Wearing a black hat, dark suit, and he's smoking a cigarette. Other than that he's smoking he is motionless. He just kind of intimidates me. I don't know where he came from, but he's not from the city. The people here just kind of hustle and bustle. They're always in a hurry just if they were cars in rush hour traffic. He's standing across the street. Well, he was there a second ago. Where did he go? It's as if he drifted off into a shadow. What is his name? For now, I'll just call him the Shadow.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
i prefer girls
Jan. 6th, 2009 @ 11:54 am Not Me
hey hey hey can you tell me where to go
or who to turn to when I am in trouble
hey can you take me to mars if I need to go
can you shoot me up on a rocket
and send me to the stars
so bright in the sky the stars linger
I see all the planets with me eyes, eyes, eyes
yeah, I see the crystal ships in the sea
going by so slowly
I want to ride them on along the coasts, uh huh
maybe they can take me where I need to go

I want to be your man, gaurdian angel, shelter from the storms,
and the gaurdian against the dragons, yeah
just tell me where I can go
or if you can help me then help me I can't help myself
hey hey hey can you tell me where to go
or who to turn to when I am in trouble
hey can you take me to mars if I need to go
can you shoot me up on a rocket
and send me to the stars


I'm not me I'm not who I want to be, not me
I'm not who I could be I'm not who I want to be, not me
I'm so lost, so lost, help me

yeah, I see the crystal ships in the sea
going by so slowly
I want to ride them on along the coasts, uh huh
maybe they can take me where I need to go

can you shoot me up on a rocket
and send me to the stars
can you just SET ME FREE
I'M NOT ME!
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
smiling death
Jan. 6th, 2009 @ 10:34 am Out of the hospital
My Mood Is This: confusedconfused
Tags:
New light
new life
gotta get myself in control
holding things together in control
what can I do when push comes to shove
who am I to blame when there is no
one to love
I am not the man I was
new light
new life
I see things differently
when push comes to shove
what can I do when push comes to shove
who am I to blame when there is no
one to love
hate, hate, I hated everything
myself, myself, I hated myself
I hated myself but I love myself now
it's the new light
I'm not the same as I used to be
new life
I have a new outlook on things
new light
who am I to blame when there is no
one to love
can't blame myself
I love myself now
what can I do when push comes to shove
just keep on going on through, yeah
New light
new life
new light
new life
new...

Yeah, I'm out of the hospital. Gotta alot to recover from. Mania sucks. I don't know where that lyric came from. It's a cross between the Velvet Underground and David Bowie's glam period. Maybe it's more like Lou Reed. Didn't David Bowie produce his first record? I know that David Bowie produced the Stooges "Raw Power" album and got Iggy back on the mike. Who the hell knows? Meh. Oh Well, whatever, nevermind.
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
the smiths
Feb. 27th, 2006 @ 01:29 pm It's Just Words
My Mood Is This: sicksick
When People Say Something You Can Read About It Here.
Me up close